The middle step

Yesterday I was translating Miguel at church. I stumbled quite a lot; I couldn’t translate the Biblical terms and Christian language. Also I couldn’t pronounce or recognize the characters from the Bible.

Yeah, on one hand, I don’t read Estonian and English Bibles simultaneously and I don’t tend to translate what I’ve read from one language to another, so I haven’t made all the connections to it, and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. On the other hand – I don’t read the Bible as much as I should.

I know I shouldn’t be hard on myself and make it a rule or a law to read loads but I shouldn’t be on the other extreme either with not reading at all. How come it is so hard to read Bible? I’m 27, I’ve been a Christian since I was 13 and still I don’t know how to make reading Bible interesting and encouraging. Gahh…

So yesterday Miguel talked about three steps Christians have in their lives:

1. step - Salvation - It's a moment when we give our lives to God and ask for forgiveness and then receive new life through Jesus.

2. step - Sanctification - It's a process of pursuing to be Holy and pure as Jesus was on Earth and is today.

3.  step - Glorification - It's a moment when we finally close our eyes on Earth and open them in Heaven to see Jesus face to face.

Often Christians (incl myself) take the first step and then start to wait for the third. But they don't take or walk in the second step at all. They don't study and learn Christ's ways to be more holy and pure in our daily lives. They just want to be in heaven already. But that's not what the Bible teaches us to do.

I’ve been too busy creating myself rules and plans of how to live my life and then measure my actions and decide whether I’ve been a “good enough Christian”. So there I am – leading and guiding and dictating my own life, while Jesus is sitting right next to me with a big big box of mercy to hand over. I’m too self-absorbed that I haven’t taken the time to receive the box. Yet it’s within the grasp, Jesus is right here and I’ve occupied myself with unachievable unfulfilling binders.

More and more I realize that God is a practical everyday God. I’m not trying to make Him smaller than He is but I’m trying to make Him bigger and more important in my daily life. I’m trying to invite Him to the problems I have that I’ve thought are too little to hand them over to Him or to expect a solution and wisdom from Him.

But it’s like with a new friend – it takes time to trust him/her. And it takes little tests and outreaches to understand and experience how much and with what you can trust him/her. It’s the same with God – I should create a habit of giving Him the stuff I want to trust Him with and with each experience and piece of information my trust should grow and the dialog will look more like a dialog and less like a demanding monologue.

Finally I’ve understood that I’m God’s child with a learning disability. It’s not permanent and it’s definitely not something I won’t overcome. But it’s something I need to decide to work on.

Like Paul, I too want to be found in Jesus (“that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him“, Philippians 3:8-9) but that takes effort, trust and desire. Do I have it? – yes, more and more yes.

The Morning Prayer

"Thank you, dear Lord, for this blessed new day! Be the center of it! Help us have our thoughts swim in Your love! Thank you for Your patience for us and thank You for Your thousand million new chances we get! Also thank You that we are already in progress and we can SEE how far we've come! Help us rejoice and have a fun party to celebrate that DAILY! In Your name, most precious Jesus! Amen!"

Väärarvamuste kujunemine

Kevadel antakse eesti keeles välja kuulsa jutlustaja Joyce Meyer'i raamat. Ja juba on paralleelselt tõstatunud vastuseis Joyce Meyeri isiku pihta. 

Jagatakse artikleid, kus loetletakse tema libastumised jutlustes või on seal väited, mida võib sajal erineval moel tõlgendada.

Kui lugeda neid pikki artikleid, siis osad väited on võetud Joyce Meyeri jutlusest ja seda aastast 1993 - olen kindel Joyce on selle ajaga õppinud rohkem Piiblit tundma ja ka Jumalaga suhet tugevdanud.

Inimesed on väga erinevad ja ka viisid, kuidas Jumal nendega kõneleb on erinev. Loomulikult - Jumal ei ole kunagi vastuolus oma Sõnaga. Olen tugevalt veendunud, et tänu Joyce'i teenimistööle, on paljud ja paljud inimesed leidnud Jumala, saanud lahti oma minevikuhaavadest ja muutunud tugevamaks Jumalas. Tõsi, paljud on ka langenud ja leidnud ennast teisest äärmusest. Kas mitte sama kogemus ei ole meie endi kirikutes - kus osad jäävad püsima ja teised langevad?

Mind nii häirib see, kuidas inimesed kujundavad kellegi teise sõnade ja kirjutiste järgi oma arvamuse mingist inimesest ja pigem kipub see alati negatiivse alatooniga olema. Ma olen ise seda teinud ja see on asi, mida üritan muuta. Samuti olen seda hoolsam oma sõnade ja väljendite valikul, kui räägin kellestki kolmandast - sest teadlikult või alateadlikult kujundan ma selle kolmanda inimese pilti. Mina ei tea lõpuni kõike Joyce Meyerist'ist, ma ei ole temaga otse suhelnud - seega ei saa mina olla kohtumõistja ega tohi teda lahterdada heaks või halvaks kristlaseks. Kohe päris kindlasti ei taha, et inimesed kujundavad arvamust minu kohta kellegi teise väidete põhjal, ilma tegelikku tausta ja minu enda kogemust teadmata.

Kui palju oleme me ise libastunud ja Piiblit valesti tõlgendanud ja võibolla sellest alles hiljem aru saanud? No ilmselt ei ole vast väga palju, sest enamik meist ei jutlusta nii sagedasti kui seda teeb Joyce Meyer ja pole ka kinni hakata kuskilt. Joyce Meyeri jutlused võetakse kõik linti ja neid võib kuulata korduvalt ja korduvalt ja analüüsida ja leida sealt palju faktivigu - nagu ka meie kõne puhul, mida kuulevad vähesed ja ühekordselt.

Oma arvamuse peaks iga inimene kujundama ikka ise ja lähtuma isiklikust kogemusest. Tugev isiklik arvamus Joyce Meyerist võiks kujuneda pärast tema raamatute lugemist ja mitmete jutluste vaatamist. Või siis lihtsalt mitte avaldama oma negatiivset pooltõde, mis ei ehita mitte kedagi ega midagi üles.

Kui me vaid saaks kuidagi sellest kadedusest lahti, et teisel läheb paremini ja on jõudnud kaugemale...

Need väikesed imed

Minu päev algas täna täielikus Jumala soosingus. Räägin Sulle loo:

Täna õhtul sõidame kooriga Kehrasse. Eile siis võtsin Laurilt pere mikrobussi. Lauri seletas, et mul oleks mõistlik veel õhtul kütet võtta, et anda natuke rohkem lootust hommikuseks auto käima minemiseks. Ja et peaksin varuma piisavalt aega, et kui auto käima ei lähe, et siis isa jõuaks tulla seda käivitama.

Ja siis plaanisingi, et hommikul ärkan üles kell 0600, pakin asjad, pesen ja hiljemalt kell pool kaheksa olen auto juures ja üritan seda käima saada. Aga ei suutnud nii vara ärgata ja sain lõpuks seitsmest voodist välja.

Õhtul veel palvetasin, et Jumal hoiaks mootori soojas, et hommikul läheks auto käima. Terve hommiku ka palvetasin, et auto läheks käima.

Aga selle asemel, et õue tormata, ma pesin köögis nõud, jätsin suure toa endast korda ja siis rahulikult sättisin ennast õue. Veel enne kui uksest välja sain, tuletas Jumal meelde, et võtaksin Välja võtme kaasa, et ma ei ajaks magajaid oma kellahelistamisega hommikul üles.

Sain lõpuks auto juurde 10 minutit enne kaheksat. Tõstsin oma miljon kotti autosse, millest üks oli toidukott laagri jaoks, mis pidi minema Väljasse vanemate külmkappi päevaks.

Istusin siis rooli ja keerasin võtit, nii et tuled hakkasid vilkuma ja ootasin selle nõksu ära, mida diiselmootor teeb ja auto läks esimese korraga käima!!!

Eile Lauri oli päeval sõitnud autoga ja kui õhtul tahtsin ta maja eest ära sõita, läks tükk aega, et saada auto käima. Vist mingi 4-5 korda proovisin, Lauri oli juba valmis tõmbama, aga ütlesin, et ei, proovin veel ja noh, lõpuks läks.

Kui siis hommikul keerasin auto juba vanemate korteri poole poole, märkasin, et terve esiklaas oli jäävaba ja ma ei pidanud kraapima ka mitte.

Välja maja ees oli rahulikult suur ruum, kuhu sain bussi parkida ja kui Väljast jala trolli peale läksin, tuli troll suht kohe. Pidin käima korraks Reval Cafe'st läbi ja ikka jõudsin täiega varem tööle kui tavaliselt. :)

Tore kui päev sellises kordaminekus algab. Olgu Sinugi päev õnnistatud ja Jumala poolt hoitud ja juhitud!

Deeper level of relationships

Every time I start my blog, I struggle with a question about the language choice. Should I write in Estonian or in English. Maybe I shouldn’t flatter myself into thinking that there are loads of non-Estonian-speaking-people that read my blog but I have a few friends who are dear to me and who are maybe interested in my thoughts.

Anyways.

Again and again I realize how important it is to talk about one’s thoughts and feelings to people that are closest to us. Yet the hard truth is that it is also the hardest to talk to them. Honestly. Why is that? I’ve been thinking about it for quite awhile now. And yesterday I wanted to explain to Liisu and figure out myself at the same time why it’s so hard.

I think one of the reasons is that the close friends and family know us well enough to see right through us if we are not totally honest or even if we are - they hold us accountable for what we say and are awaiting action to support the talk. And THAT is a lot of pressure.

That leaves me with a question – don’t I want my problems solved? What satisfaction do I get from talking to others about my problems, listening to their advice, if I actually don’t have any courage or desire to take action in changing anything?

But I do.

I don’t want to make any resolutions for this year but I have a strong longing for honest and pure and deep relationship with my closest peeps! (Did I spell it right, Liisu?)

I’m so thankful to Siku for telling me that I can be a real jerk at times. The fact that I’m a jerk isn’t a surprise to me. But the fact that others notice or are bothered by it makes it a real problem. And then I can’t pretend it’s not an issue to deal with anymore.

Even though I might get hurt or feel uncomfortable when people tell me something’s not right about me or I’ve done something wrong, I appreciate the tough love. It takes a lot of courage to say something negative about the other. It’s much easier to tolerate the little mistakes and annoyances here and there than actually address the problem. But how are we going to change for the better if we tolerate staying the same?

Hence the need and courage to do the same to my loved ones. People know that I’m very opinionated person. Strong opinions mixed with sarcasm and arrogance can be quite difficult to deal with. I’ve been told that I’m one of the only people that can tell them honest truth and people like that about me. BUT. I tend to give it even when they don’t ask for it. And then they don’t talk to me when they don’t want to hear an opinion that can be harsh. Something I recently realized.

One of the goals for this year is to be more approachable; to be more tender and loving; to listen more and talk less; to lose the arrogance of knowing best…

to be more like the Person that knows the best; to listen to HIM more and try to obey what He says.

So yeah. I wanna love my peeps better! Help me do it!

2012 - the Year of Big Changes

When I entered the year 2012, I had this feeling that it will be the year of big changes. As I looked ahead, I saw joy and brightness. Yet I had no idea what those changes were about and what parts of my life would be improved and what problems would be solved.

It’s fun to go back to January and re-live the thoughts and feelings, knowing now what’s up ahead. If someone had told me then where I’d end up at the end of the year, I would not have believed them.

What were the big changes?

Well:

1.   Starting from February, I had a pen-pal in the states to who I wrote every day and thought there will be something more to it eventually; yet 8 long interesting months later, the writing ended. I’m not disappointed; I’m not heart-broken, I’m just a little sad to lose a friend the way I did.

2.   I learned some huge facts about my friends that I didn’t know before that changed my relationships with them.  I’d like to think for the better, of course.

3.   I worked with Heartbeat Tallinn project, which was a huge pile of uncertainty to the very last day and beyond that. But it was an interesting experience and I can say now that I will probably never take on two jobs simultaneously.

4.   I changed churches this year. Finally, after 26 years of being in the same church with my family, I decided to grow my independence. As it turns out, it was a crucial step in my healing process.

5.   I got to go to Chicago this year. Even though I didn’t go under the fountain that insured the trip back, I managed to be in Chicago again. It was a lovely and awesome and encouraging trip that I enjoyed fully.

6.   The GLS conference this year was an experience that both frustrated and inspired me at the same time.

7.   I got the “HR Cookie” called “The Energy Bomb of the Year”, which was a testament to me being totally awesome and I’m sure everybody knows where my awesomeness comes from!

8.   God taught me some valuable things about myself, about my family, about my friends about loads of things. He showed me the areas of my heart that were hurting and needed to be dealt with. There were things I didn’t even imagine causing pain in my heart that are now out in the open and need the fresh cooling air to make the pain go away.

9.   I made a list of projects I will most certainly participate in and try to say “NO” to other things that come my way. 

10.               My little sister moved to England, to live there. I think because she's so far away, we've become slightly closer and can talk about things more openly. Which is pretty awesome!

So – it was a year of change. It was a year of new beginnings. It was a year of necessary endings. It was a year of stepping on a new level with different matters. It was a year of spotting the wounds. It was a year of relief.

So the year 2013 will be a year of making an effort in keeping the ship in the direction of positive change, better relationships and conscious decisions that support the decisions and revelations made in 2012.

Will I succeed? Who knows. But yet again I step into the new year with the portion of excitement in my heart to see what God will do this year!