I don’t understand what’s with me these past few weeks. I don’t know if I’m dealing with tiredness, boredom, frustration, anxiety, loneliness or what but there’s something off. The sad part is that there is no reason for it. Therefore I can’t name it.
I am actually very happy that my life is so blessed. I have a good warm home, my family is das best, my friends are over the top awesome and I have a good steady job. Church is there, I can consider GLS a success this year, I got to be a part of Equip and made an impression on the coordinator there and I realize over and over again that my friends are awesome.
When my roommates left on the 21st of December, it was sort of my meltdown. It was the top of the mountain when I felt that I can’t take this anymore. And I still can’t really sort out what the “THIS” is. My best friend Hanna asked me how I was that day over the skype. I told her that my roomies left and that there was this thing at work and that I don’t have new roomies and that I can’t really say that I’m doing all that well. Hanna said “OIOI” and told me she has to go for a second. I said I’ll wait. After 20 minutes my phone rang and it was Hanna telling me to unlock the door for her. She came in and told me that she just wanted to give me a hug. I was in shock. Do I really have THAT good friends? When did I ever deserve it? When do I ever do THAT positive and awesome stuff to my friends? Don’t remember. Anyways. She told me that she has only time to give me the hug I need and that she really needs to go back home, cause she has an exam in the morning. Yet we started talking for a second and suddenly she went: “Who am I kidding, I can’t go home, I have to talk to my friend!” And she stayed overnight. We talked for hours and it was an awesome time.
Then few days before that beautiful incident I got a call from England. My best England-friend called. Joanne was behind the wheels on her way to the Connection group and just wanted to chat a bit. It was sooo great to hear her voice and the accent and the laugh and everything joyful I remember about her. Then she was at Ian’s place and I got to talk to him as well. What an awesome time. The same night the best roommate decided to stay with me that evening and not go to a party she was invited to. It was one of the best relaxed evenings I’d had in a long time.
And my sisters and brothers have been awesome. I had a very good time with them over the Christmas time. And the gospel choir is totally awesome with the band and stuff.
I realized that something was wrong when I got to a point that I didn’t want to organize things anymore. Like gospel choir Christmas party or something special for the Christmas Eve or the Friends Christmas party etc. Cause I usually want to and usually have the energy and need and desire to do stuff. It’s not that I lack of ideas. It’s just that there’s a lack of motivation.
Sooo many good things going on. And I should be the happiest girl in the neighbourhood.
But there’s this something that doesn’t let me.
I need a decision. To be content with my life and not look for the things I don’t have or have the things I don’t want. And just take my life as a blessing as it is just that.
Do you know something about my life that I don’t?
I’m searching for answers.
I’ll put a very suitable lyrics of Michael W. Smith here that describe a little of where I am:
Missing person
Another question in me
One for the powers that be
It's got me thrown
And so I put on my poker face
And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurence
Feeling so out of place
Guarded and cynical now
Can't help but wondering how
My heart evolved into
A rock beating inside of me
So I feel such a stoic ordeal
Where's that feeling that I don't feel
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I've been searchin' for that missing person
Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be
Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That's chipping away at my soul
I've been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately
but I've been searchin' for that missing person
