2012 - the Year of Big Changes

When I entered the year 2012, I had this feeling that it will be the year of big changes. As I looked ahead, I saw joy and brightness. Yet I had no idea what those changes were about and what parts of my life would be improved and what problems would be solved.

It’s fun to go back to January and re-live the thoughts and feelings, knowing now what’s up ahead. If someone had told me then where I’d end up at the end of the year, I would not have believed them.

What were the big changes?

Well:

1.   Starting from February, I had a pen-pal in the states to who I wrote every day and thought there will be something more to it eventually; yet 8 long interesting months later, the writing ended. I’m not disappointed; I’m not heart-broken, I’m just a little sad to lose a friend the way I did.

2.   I learned some huge facts about my friends that I didn’t know before that changed my relationships with them.  I’d like to think for the better, of course.

3.   I worked with Heartbeat Tallinn project, which was a huge pile of uncertainty to the very last day and beyond that. But it was an interesting experience and I can say now that I will probably never take on two jobs simultaneously.

4.   I changed churches this year. Finally, after 26 years of being in the same church with my family, I decided to grow my independence. As it turns out, it was a crucial step in my healing process.

5.   I got to go to Chicago this year. Even though I didn’t go under the fountain that insured the trip back, I managed to be in Chicago again. It was a lovely and awesome and encouraging trip that I enjoyed fully.

6.   The GLS conference this year was an experience that both frustrated and inspired me at the same time.

7.   I got the “HR Cookie” called “The Energy Bomb of the Year”, which was a testament to me being totally awesome and I’m sure everybody knows where my awesomeness comes from!

8.   God taught me some valuable things about myself, about my family, about my friends about loads of things. He showed me the areas of my heart that were hurting and needed to be dealt with. There were things I didn’t even imagine causing pain in my heart that are now out in the open and need the fresh cooling air to make the pain go away.

9.   I made a list of projects I will most certainly participate in and try to say “NO” to other things that come my way. 

10.               My little sister moved to England, to live there. I think because she's so far away, we've become slightly closer and can talk about things more openly. Which is pretty awesome!

So – it was a year of change. It was a year of new beginnings. It was a year of necessary endings. It was a year of stepping on a new level with different matters. It was a year of spotting the wounds. It was a year of relief.

So the year 2013 will be a year of making an effort in keeping the ship in the direction of positive change, better relationships and conscious decisions that support the decisions and revelations made in 2012.

Will I succeed? Who knows. But yet again I step into the new year with the portion of excitement in my heart to see what God will do this year!

Mediocrity

 So this is going to be a very philosophical entry. Possibly doesn’t make any sense. But good luck reading it. :P

I had an interesting conversation yesterday. Towards the end we were able to label a subject that kept coming up again and again and it was mediocrity.

Recently I was told that I think too highly of myself and criticize others. I agree that from what I’ve said or done, one could interpret it that way indeed. But when I think about it, I was a bit shocked that this is how people see me. Who would want to be labeled as arrogant and critical person? And those others think that I think I’m more special than others? Not me.

I’ve been struggling with low self-esteem for a long time (oh, you know, various reasons) to the point where I thought that I don’t even deserve God’s love for me. As a result of different events and comments and thoughts, I’ve tried to deliberately practice the truth about myself and trust that it applies to me too - that I am a unique and special person, that I’m worthy of good and happy life and that I’m worthy of God’s unlimited love and grace.

Who doesn’t want to be special, right?

Now. When you take loads of people and compare them, analyze them and study them, you end up with the result that they each have something special about them but in general they are quite similar and not that special after all. People do great things, interesting things but there’s always people who do it either better or who do more things, which leaves you with the label “not as good as the other, not as special as the other, not as interesting as the other”. And you can’t argue either –cause you have facts telling you this. So to be special you would have to stand out, do better in your words, actions and accomplishments.

It’s not bad being an “ordinary” person. But is it bad to think you’re special, is it bad to think highly of yourself?

I think not. But I’ve discovered a key – The moment you think you are the only special one, you are delusional and not that good of a person. When you are the only person you think and care about and root for, it’s bad news. Soon you discover that you are the only one doing that and you end up alone.

The thing is – I’d rather think I’m special and keep it to myself, then place myself in the mediocrity world. The challenge is not to feel good about myself at the expense of others.

Would you rather think you’re one of the average people and have a mediocre life OR think you’re special and think that the events in your life make the most adventurous story ever?

Ahh, can’t express myself very well and you might even not understand any of it. But this is in my head as I go and turn my brain to lower voltage.

The hard truth

I know I have a good friend when he tells me something about me that I am not comfortable hearing. But I know it’s the truth and I need to hear it in order to become a better person, friend, daughter, sister, co-worker, a Christian.

And I heard another hard one.

Just two days ago I told Mann that this year I want to put an extra effort in being a good person – intentionally do good and say encouraging things and be the kind of person God would be proud of, that I, myself, could be proud of.

But you know when your self-esteem has been quite low for some time and it takes you forever to feel good about yourself? I do. I tried to intentionally start working on it – insert the thoughts that I am loved by God, I’m made by God, I am awesome, I am beautiful, I’m funny and smart, I’m experienced and I’ve collected some wisdom and experience over the years.

God surrounded me with people who lifted me up with kind words. But a problem occurred – I lifted myself up too much. I forgot that being awesome and beautiful and all those other things, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t stay humble and thankful for it and that I should lift myself higher than the people around me. I shouldn’t be comparing myself with others and thinking that I’m better at this and that and more successful here and there. I shouldn’t become an arrogant jerk along the way.

I will continue on pondering about this and try to make some changes about the way I think. I need to really think why do I want to be a better person – is it to be admired more or is it really to do good and be a good person to the core?!

I’m not writing this here, so you’d have to say that I’m not like that. No-no. I’m writing this so you would know where I feel I need to grow and where you can come and help me do it.

Thank you, my dear friend, for being loving enough to tell me this!

Thank you, God, for continually teaching me and molding me to be a better person!

My dear friend

I have a beautiful beautiful friend.

She has class, she has style, she has love and humor, 

she has God!

She has been there for me for years and years. 

A daily blessing of my life.

There’s not much she doesn’t know about me 

and she still loves me. :)

She is very open, honest and simple, yet 

full of surprises, deep thoughts and challenges.

In my heart - 

there is only love and care and excitement for you, Tulla!

 

Release His Power

I’ve head the thought that when we are feeling down or things are not going well for us, we should still be thankful and praise God. I always thought that this is something a good Christian would do – give thanks to God and find positive things in your life when you’re feeling negative.

But I could never fully grasp the idea behind it. Why do I have to show gratitude when I don’t feel being grateful. Why do I have to search for the positive things when things are bad. Why can’t I just whine to God honestly about my problems and let Him fix them for me?

Theoretically I can understand how it takes the mind off from the bad things and help us focus on the good in life but I never understood the affect it would have on my life.

So I couldn’t really do the “thanking thing”.

I had this problem in my life that was rather annoying and despite the fact that I was praying for it to get better, it still didn’t. The people are the same around me, doing the same things they do. You know when you have a person in your life that you can’t avoid being in contact, so you just shut them out and ignore them, so you wouldn’t agitate yourself? That was my tactics for a certain person but it didn’t seem to help all that much.

But for some reason God has pushed me to deal with the problem, instead of ignoring it. One of my newest friends kept asking me about how I’m dealing with the person and sending me these quotes and Bible verses of encouragement. My tactics had stayed the same – ignore and not communicate that much. And at the same time I prayed for the person as well. It even seemed to be working.

I guess we all know this is not the right solution. I didn’t feel like finding another solution either up until my friend sent me a link of a sermon with the title “God Is in Your Most Desperate Situation” by Ney Bailey.

And there was this golden quote for me:

“I attribute it to the fact that when you praised God for what you didn’t like, when you thanked God for what you didn’t like, you brought God into the negative, and you released His power to work.” 

Wow. What an ignorant person I’ve been! Why do I always have to make everything about me? Why do I (despite the experiences that tell me otherwise) think I can do it on my own?

As soon as I acknowledge God being right there with me, I give away the power to Him, so He could do what’s best for me and for the others involved. And my worrying wrinkles loosen up and disappear because I trust God to work “His magic”.

That’s where the free will comes in – do we let God help us and guide us? We freely have to give the control over to Him so He could make the best of our lives.

And if there’s just one thing you need to know about God – He IS the LOVE and from out of love only good things can happen!

Whatever happens.....rejoice in the Lord!

“Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord. I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith.” (Philippians 3:1)

More and more I’m convinced that in order to be strong in nowadays harsh world, we need others to be on our side. Yes yes, we need Jesus, we need His love, strenght and patience and all there is to get from Him. But often we are human (I'd say 100% of our time) and we need people around us to stay focused on Jesus. And why not have the stronger ones at our sides who are in a good place and remember and believe and acknowledge the promises and love God has for us.

Often we want to surround ourselves with people who are in the same situation as us, because they understand us. Especially when we are in the lows. But is it wise? I think not so much. Unless both of the people have the desire to work on getting out of the low. And working on it real hard.

I went through my low a year ago. If I had people around me who would be in the same situation, I couldn’t have focused on getting out of it, I would’ve focused on the self-pity and if not that, then helping the other one to feel better. Good chance that I'd be at a better place after helping the other one get out of the pit but I'm pretty sure it would take more time and energy. For some people it might be the only way.

But it’s so important to be around those who have more Jesus in them in an obvious way. They are strong and can help us to get to a good place too. They have the “common sense” in remembering and actually believing in the better future. Often they are more open to the message of good news and plans for your life.

If you are going through rough times and you have no strength left to get yourself out of it – put your effort into keeping close to the ones that are doing better than you. Let their light and love that is overflowing from having so much of it, pour down on you and lift you up.

The strong ones – lets never get tired of rejoicing in the Lord and doing it loud and clear! You never know who needs it around you! And if you DO know who needs it – take your time and help a sibling out! I say lets make it a lifestyle to love and encourage one another loud and clear!

“Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord. I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith.” (Philippians 3:1)

The tip of the ice berg

Yesterday I had an info day at work. That means all the HR people will gather together somewhere else than our own work space and talk about things that are important or relevant at the moment.

There are 4 people of the HR division that organize this – every time different people. I didn’t put much effort into organizing or I couldn’t find tasks to take on in the organizing process, so at the very last meeting I volunteered to be the MC of the day.

Since my upbringing has required a lot of public speaking and performance, I’m used to being in front of people and nowadays leading an event or even leading the choir practice, has given me skills to do well on stage. So this was a no brainer to me.

Apparently it was a big surprise to the others that it was easy for me. They see me at work everyday – I’m a good communicator, I’m fun and friendly and open and smiley – so they like me. But they don’t know that I’m also a great performer.

I didn’t want to write about how awesome I am (though I am, I know that) but I wanted to write about a realization I made through that little experience.

And that is – people don’t know the whole picture of me and isn’t this quite a big part of who I actually am? The real question is – how much do I know about my colleagues? How much do I know about my acquaintances or even my friends, in that matter? How does the picture of me look like in the people’s minds that surround me?

Another question – how careful and thoughtful am I in portraying others? Do I give them fair opportunity to be awesome in various ways? Or do I not want to or care to see the whole picture and be prejudice about what I see and close myself to the other colors of the image?

We think we know them. We think the others know us. But it’s soo not the case. Do we take time to find out who the other person is – what are the strengths, talents, interests, bucket-fillers etc? Not until it actually influences us, right?

We are pretty comfortable and convenient people. We try to do as little as possible but be as successful as possible.  So we get to know the person when it is useful to us – we either like the way they make us feel or they are useful to us in other ways. How do we measure our success? What are the measures of being good people?

I think we should try to be selfless and loving – little more every day. It all comes down to the most precious gift we can give to another person – our time and attention. The priceless gift and sometimes the hardest to give away.

I miss you... Not YOU though, you live too close...

Today I saw a comment on Facebook where a friend of mine asked another friend to hurry back from her trip.

I started to think about this and it flashed that I do the same – I start paying more attention to the people that have gone abroad or farther away from me. For some reason I miss them more...or something.

But is it really so?

There are some of my friends that I see so rarely. And I do miss them. Yet. Do I put an effort into meeting them? Not really. This would require some planning and an actual get together. But aren’t we too busy for that?

If only the person so far away could be here – we’d spend loads of good time together...

If I miss the friends that are far away and tell them that, does it mean I don’t miss the friends close by? Or do I just not acknowledge the fact that I haven’t seen them in weeks, maybe even months? I guess the reason is that they are so close to me. I could see them any time I want.

Which makes me come back to the question – why do we want things or people we can’t have? And not appreciate the people that are in our reach?

Uhh, just thinking about it makes me dislike myself a bit. I’m such a hypocrite at times.

I’m not saying I don’t miss the people that are far but the people close by should have an equal chance of being missed and loved in my life.

Does it make sense?

So what will I do about it? Probably not much. I don’t have time to meet up with them. Or I DON'T take time. There’s always this to-do-list at the back of my head that I need to do. But do I actually do them? Not really. But I certainly couldn’t do them when I am with my friends doing leisurely things. I like the thought of getting to work when I want to. But not often I do. So why not just spend the time with my friends then?

Ahhh, dislike. To me.

Time management – still learning the difficult skill. Not doing so well yet.

I have a friend that I don’t see that often. So when she wants to see me, she makes me say a concrete date of when we’re meeting up. And it works. I’ve done it with some other friends. When you leave it open and say that lets see when’s the best time for it – there never is. There’s always this to-do-list telling us not to have fun.

I think I’ll probably contact you soon to have a little get-together – just because I can!!

If not earlier, then you are invited to my birthday party on the 20^th of October. Let me know if you’re coming! I’ll bake something! :)

Done deal!

You know the day....

....when you bump into your reflection in the mirror and think "Wow, you're pretty today!" ?

Yes, today it's happening for me. Even though it's been quite an emotional and tiring day, after all this, the girl in the mirror looks pretty.

Thank you God for blessing me with health and beauty!

Look at me and say you don't agree, I dare you! :D

Photo: Ulli

Joy and excitement

More and more I realize how important it is to have a positive attitude about life. Sometimes I have to work hard to be positive and sometimes I just need a reminder that God gives us the joy and love and peace we so desperately need!

I got a bit discouraged few days back and through that I realized I had painted a picture of my future I so desperately wanted to have for myself. My mind worked day in and day out a plan how to make it work – and the stupid brain of mine couldn’t figure things out. Go figure...

I’m sure God was laughing at me. I’m sure God looked at me and said: “Oh, you silly girl. You honestly thing YOU can figure out MY perfect plan that is beyond your understanding and capacity? Why don’t you just sit back, relax and let ME do all the planning?!”

Why not? :P

So what else can I do, if I shouldn’t schedule my time with worrying and planning the next thousand years of my life? The answer – ENJOY THE PRESENT!

And you know what – I do enjoy being happy! I do enjoy the fact that I have people in my life that are happy with me! I do enjoy that I have so many things to be thankful for! I do enjoy the excitement of the unknown and the God’s secret plotting of my future! I do enjoy God in my life! I do enjoy when it's one of my good days and I trust and feel God being with me all the way! 

Would you consciously decide to be happy with me? Would you receive and acknowledge the joy and love and peace God has for you too?

Let’s all be happy and excited about life, what do you say?

I just couldn't love you any more than I already do.

„I just couldn't love you any more than I already do. Unless I could, in which case my heart might explode.“

You know the feeling when you really really care about someone and you realize that you actually LOVE that person?

Meaning that just the thought of making the other person happy, makes you happy. Or when your mind travels from one idea to another of how to let the person know HOW MUCH exactly do you care and love that person?

Liisu sent me the quote a while ago. She might’ve liked the quote or she wanted me to know this about her towards me.

It’s saved in my work inbox as a draft and time to time I go and read it. I’m tempted to delete the draft, since I don’t like something unfinished in my inbox. Yet I can’t. It’s a good reminder of something unreal.

I picture myself saying that to someone. There are few people I’d say that to all the time. But do I actually do it? A slight uncertainty falls on me if the people actually know how much I love them and how my heart might explode if I thought about it just a bit more?

Recently I took a love language test. The 12 is max and this is how I scored:

10 Quality Time
9 Acts of Service
6 Physical Touch

4 Words of Affirmation
1 Receiving Gifts

It was interesting to see those results and I started to think this is quite accurate. Then I thought that how easy it would be to love me if you knew this about me.

I went even further and started to think what would be the best way to show my love to my dearest ones. I got my mom do the test and I was surprised of the results. I’ve known my mom my whole life and yet I didn’t know this little thing how to make her feel loved.

Just yesterday I had to admit that just by thinking about someone, made me want to leave everything and be with the person and never let go.

Sometimes you do your best to love someone, doing the things you’d want someone else do to you but is it what the other one appreciates? Your heart almost explodes from the love you have for the special one, yet the other one thinks you don’t care at all. Cause you just don’t know.

Take time and get to know the person you love. And then really show some LOVE. You’re probably in their lives for a reason. YOU are the special person who’s love counts. Do it. Love. Now.

Clearly...

30 years of marriage.

My parents married THIRTY years ago. They were such beautiful people. And they still are – but you can see the 30 years on their face.

When I was a kid, I loved my mother’s soft hands. Mommy-hands. I could see the wrinkles on them, yet the hands were so soft. They still are – mommy’s stroke on my face is one of the best things in my life.

Now as we are both adult women, it happens rarely, but still does. Now we show our love through other things – through words, kind deeds, smiles.

Just yesterday someone told me that I walk like my mom. Clearly – I’m my mothers’ daughter.

When I was a kid, my dad used to take me in his hands and press his face against mine, even though my face was covered with scabs and it wasn’t that pretty. Dad said, he never cared and only saw how beautiful his daughter is.

Now he never does that. We hug only on special occasion. It makes them so much more valuable. Through the years, my respect towards my dad has grown to the skies. I’ve been told that I’m bold as my dad and that I’ve gotten the organizational and administrative talent as well as guts to perform from my dad. I couldn’t agree more. Clearly – I’m my fathers’ daughter.

As I’m older, I can see their marriage. They’ve had their struggles, as everyone does. Yet I can see how they both love each other to pieces.

One thing that they both have – this selfless serving of others. Doing the little and big things, either together or separately, without asking anything in return.

I love my parents. Clearly – I’m my parents’ child. As are other five wonderful people.