I can win my struggles

So I feel like God is really talking to me a lot these past few months. I think He wanted to talk to me long time ago but I had built a wall of bitterness, sorrow, anger, disappointment, hurt, unfaithfulness, lack of trust between us. I didn’t feel like I had to deal with it because I was still ministering, I had a whole religious life going on. God had to break me to pieces in order to get through to me. He had to break me away from that wall so I could see from a distance that such a wall existed and it is keeping me from my promises and blessings. I didn’t have a bad life before and God still blessed me with everyday needs but the relationship was still broken between us.

God let me go through my worst allergy reaction in my whole life in a foreign country. Just half a year before that people prayed for me in England to be healed. I really wanted to believe that He will heal me, even if it takes time. And then this crazy thing happened.

I was angry, disappointed, hurt by the whole incident. Why, God, why can’t you just heal me, so I could be free from it? Don’t you love me? Don’t you care for me at all? Do you want me to suffer? Can’t you hear the prayers? Don’t I deserve all the promises of healing you have given us? – These were the questions I had in my heart throughout the years of my life. Let’s say at least for the past 13 years. After a while I stopped asking those questions. I stopped asking anything. I stopped. There was no faith, trust or patience to believe in my healing. Well realistically – how long time do you ask for something without getting any response and often see matters to just get worse? You stop.

Yet I was this active religious “Christian” who knew exactly what to do or say not to get caught of what’s really going on. And I managed to fool others and myself. But God can’t be fooled. He sees and knows everything. He can see beneath the surface and He can see the plan for us.

Since I wasn’t strong enough to face my thoughts and feelings, He just did it for me. I’m sure it wasn’t very awesome to see me suffer through the reaction and then finally say all the disappointing thoughts out to Him. At the same time what I see know is that He knew very well what He was doing and how through different people and different ways He started to heal the brokenness in me. You don’t know to fix anything if you can’t see it’s broken, right?

God showed me my brokenness. He showed me the lack of faith I had. He showed me that I had no trust in Him. He showed me how hurt I was that I couldn’t get healed. He also showed me that I had equalized all the negative things in my life with how much God loves me. I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from but you also see that I’m pretty stupid for a 26 year old who has been in the church her whole life and had Jesus living in her heart for 14 years.

So God sent me different people as His ambassadors to “argue” with me and remind me the basic things of God’s unconditional never ending love, His amazing Grace and Forgiveness. God told me through these wonderful people that I know in my mind what these things are, but I don’t know them in my heart.

For many years I tried to earn the love and healing through Bible reading and doing other “religious chores” and got disappointed in myself and in God when I failed in doing the chores I’ve set for myself. I was thinking that how come God doesn’t hear my prayers if I’m so active in church and I have so many responsibilities and I’m helping out at different projects and all. If I’m that active and good person, why weren’t my prayers answered?

God told me to rest. God told me to let go of everything I was doing. I understand that now why He wants me to quit doing all the things I do. He wants to be the one I thank when I’m healed. Otherwise I would just think to myself that yes, I managed to read the Bible enough or pray enough or do this or that enough that it was just something I finally deserved to have. But it doesn’t go like that.

I might me ill for the rest of my life but I need to understand that God still loves me and that this is just one of those things that is in my life that I won’t understand until I go to heaven and get to ask God about it.

The problem here is that do I get to even go to heaven, if I will not trust God to have the perfect life for me? If I stop talking to Him or trusting Him or believing in Him when I don’t get what I want?

I think one of the problems with me is that since the prayer time for me was just sending off the “wish-list” or “to-do-list” and never waiting for the answer if the “lists” are correctly formed. I never took time to just be in His presence sense I didn’t know how to be silent without complaining about my “sad” life. You know?
So now that I have finally started to let my fists drop down and stop fighting for my “promised rights”, I’m ready to start listening of what God has for me. Little by little I see some love filling up my heart. Some new found trust, faith and hope.
What made me write this blog post was this psalm:

Psalm 123

Good News Translation (GNT)

A Prayer for Mercy

Lord, I look up to you,
up to heaven, where you rule.
2 As a servant depends on his master,
as a maid depends on her mistress,
so we will keep looking to you, O Lord our God,
until you have mercy on us.

3 Be merciful to us, Lord, be merciful;
we have been treated with so much contempt.
4 We have been mocked too long by the rich
and scorned by proud oppressors.

I understood that I wanted these words to be mine but they haven’t been. I want to look up to Him until He has His mercy on me but I never looked up long enough. I got distracted and started looking down at the things that were in my life now and instead of looking right at Him, I started to worry about the current situation.
There shouldn’t be any worry if we keep our eyes on the Lord where all good comes from. One thought that hit me today at my church: “Worrying should lit up a warning sign that we don’t have enough faith and trust in God and that we should hurry to go in His presence to get some!”

Ahh, this sums up everything I have to do. The warning sign has been up for many years that I’ve just come accustomed to it and started to live in that constant worry. Has anything gotten any better because of it? Nope – just the worrying bit in my life has increased.

Since I want to be rightful and strong woman of God, I need to take some big steps in changing my current life so that God could build me up and take away everything that would let me go back to my old self that wasn’t any good. I’m sure you’ll hear about it soon. Anyways.

God is good. He loves me. He wants the best for me. I’m just too stupid to let Him love me and bless me. It’s hard to grasp the idea that I don’t have to do anything than just open my heart and receive.

I thank God for His love and His patience to take care of me. To change me, even if it hurts both of us at times.

It took me years of disappointment to get me in that bad place and I’m sure it doesn’t get fixed with a click. I need to learn how to love God and how to let myself to be loved. I need to trust God cause I know it’s the best choice I can make in my life.

This is what I need to grasp and understand with everything I am:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1wZf5trI84&feature=related